I have demons in me.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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