bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
