i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm drive I can fine osifer
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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