Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
