3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
