Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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