My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
