i permit you to call me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
