Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
