I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
