Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
