so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
