omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
whose ass print is on the piano?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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