She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
