So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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