I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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