I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
