3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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