Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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