apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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