i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
