in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
