Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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