Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Randomize
