She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
