she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
