I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
