i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Randomize
