Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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