i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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