He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
