i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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