i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
