i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
