I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
