Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
