did you get engaged???
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
