I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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