I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
