Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
