I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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