so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
