I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
