plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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