Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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