peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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