so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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