I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
