Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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