i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
