one might say we're banned from that church
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
